News : Cheap Credit Cards

Date : 08/10/2008

Dear Bossy: My question relates to my fiancee. We have been going out for eight months and recently I asked her to marry me, to which she said “yes”. So far so good, however there is something that I have been concerned with which has been building up and causing me much angst. It is her total lack of willingness to pay for anything.

Don’t get me wrong Bossy, I am not a mercenary person but I feel a real resentment that she doesn’t even offer even for small things like a coffee etc. The problem has been compounded of late by her losing her job and the fact that I have a good job. I don’t mind paying for 90% of things but sometimes I feel her actions are too much.

She ordered a wedding dress and not long after she lost her job and was upset so I offerred to help her out, this was about two months ago. I received an SMS from her the other day at work out of the blue saying the wedding dress is ready and it is $1500 and you said you would pay so please confirm, with a kiss on the end. In the intervening two months she had an accident in my car and I paid the excess, I have also paid for half a pair of new glasses for her, numerous dinners etc etc, I also have booked and paid for the wedding (overseas including flights) and an expensive diamond engaement ring.

She says she loves me but I am feeling used. What do I do ? Am I am being reasonable? She is also bringing a lot of debt into the marriage and I have had the talk with her about being in this together and contributing but she seems to revert to type and it falls on deaf ears. Help! Can I get the ring back?

Bossy says: You feel used, but I reckon you’re almost entirely to blame for this situation. Don’t feel bad about that. We all set ourselves up for the fall sometimes even when we complain loudly it is someone else’s fault. The beauty of recognising your responsibility about this issue, is it gives you the power to change.

You ask whether it’s too late to get the ring back. I’m going to assume that’s not your real question and you do want to work things out with your fiance. If you don’t, and this is really a deal-breaker, then no, it’s not too late to leave. You certainly shouldn’t marry someone because you don’t want to lose the deposit on the wedding or let the money you paid for the diamond ring go to waste.

I’m guessing what you really mean though is: ‘how do I extricate myself from this mess’? You want to know how you can convince your fiance you are not her personal cash cow and that she’s going to have to take on some financial responsibility in this relationship.

I think the best way to explain these things is with your actions. You will need to talk about them, of course, but most of all you need to stop being resentful or angry with your girlfriend and simply stop doing the things that make you feel resentful.

This is what I mean about self-responsibility. Rather than blaming your fiance and wanting her to change, you accept that what really makes you feel resentful is feeling pushed or coerced into doing something you don’t want to do. You don’t want to pay for every coffee. You don’t want to shell out for every dinner. It makes you feel used. So stop doing it.

It’s futile to try to get your fiance’s agreement that what you’re doing is ok. Most likely she’ll think you’re a cheap bastard when you stop carrying the load. That’s not ideal, but what’s worse is living in a resentful marriage.

You say you’ve had financial discussions with her in the past, but they sound pretty fuzzy to me. All that talk about “being in this together” and contributing financially. It sounds like something your dad would cook up for a Sunday night lecture. I don’t wonder she tuned the whole thing out.

If you’re a quick study you’ll get where I’m going here. By trying to educate your fiance and get her “on track” regarding money, you’re actually taking away her power to do so. And by paying for everything and not asking her to contribute you’re acting like her dad.

So how to get through? First step is to be specific. Don’t talk in generalities. State your expectations. These are not rules. That’s dad-like too. They are simply your expectations of the way money matters should work in a marriage. Then discuss her expectations. I think you’ll be amazed at how different they are. And I’m amazed at how many couples go into marriage without knowing what the other expects - financially from the union.

I know these discussions can be tricky. And if your fiance has grown up in a household where she was not expected to pull her weight and where it was acceptable for someone else to pay the tab or to whack it on the credit card, then she’s going to have to work hard to change her habits.

The reality though, is these are her habits to change, not yours.

Once you know how you both feel about money you will need to work and negotiate towards an agreement that suits you both. Know that merging finances is only one way of doing things as you go into marriage. Many people keep their finances separate but use a shared credit card or account from which money can be withdrawn for dinners, holidays, food and bills.

You may decide to cut everything 50/50, but you may also decide to pay more, say 60/40 or even 70/30 until her wage increases. The beauty of this system is that once you have decided on the ratio you will not feel resentful about paying for dinner, because you will both be contributing.

Of course you both need to agree the account or credit card is only to be used for joint activities and if your fiance breaks these rules then you will need to change the agreement.

You should also discuss what will happen if you want to buy a house. What happens if you have saved a deposit but she hasn’t? What will happen if you have children? Who will pay for her support then if she stays home to look after your children?

I'm not suggesting you become a complete scrooge with cash and start expecting her to hand over $3 every time you sit down for a coffee, but I don't think you are helping your fiance gain financial responsibility by taking care of her problems.

Right now, I don’t think you should quibble now about the dress. You’ve agreed to pay and pulling out of it will be sticky. What’s important is what happens from here.

Don’t underestimate how important it is to be on the “same page” financially as you go into a marriage, or at least having agreements in place. I’d go as far as to suggest it’s irresponsible to go into this marriage without having a far clearer idea of how you are both going to treat money matters.

Source : http://blogs.news.com.au/